Who Took the F-U-N out of Funerals?

Well….I’m dying. Hold on before you send out the condolences. We all are. Who was it that said, “From the moment we are born, we begin the inescapable business of dying.”? I don’t remember who said it, but I’ve decided to do the smart thing in 2006 and pre-plan my funeral. I don’t know why this activity has been on my mind other than having past my 40th birthday, I’ve decided I needed to get a few things off my to-do-list. (You know, root canal, clean out the garage, bikini wax, plan funeral)
So, I did some research. I looked at the latest in trend-setting caskets. (Hey, did you know that you can buy a casket with removable fish head bookends? Apparently it’s all the rage, now. Your surviving spouse can gaze fondly at those bronze fish head bookends every time she reaches for her Barefoot Contessa Cookbook and remember you and all those weekends you left her and went fishing for the low, low price of just $4789.99)
Next, I reviewed the funeral arrangement option list, which reads like the prospectus of the foreign stock of the month your broker insisted you buy. (In Swahili of course). It was difficult at best to figure out the all-inclusives and the non-inclusives. Can’t they just make one of those vehix.com comparison pages? “I want a 6-cylinder casket in gunmetal metallic, hold the lining, and give me a squirt of music and flowers then run me through the drive-in funeral parlor and plop me in the ground. How expensive could that be? Well the Federal Trade Commission reports that “After buying a home and a car, paying for a funeral is the third biggest expense most families will have in a lifetime.”
Let me just say, “Wow!” It costs more these days for someone to die than to be born. How can that be? Well, the latest figures by the International Cemetery and Funeral Association today show that the average funeral costs $4,287. I suspect that this is actually a low ball figure, because it doesn’t cover the burial plot, the opening and closing of the grave, the vault, the clergy, the flowers, the newspaper notices or the music for the ceremony and I’m sure it doesn’t include those fish head bookends.
Of course no major social event should be planned without first consulting Amy. You know Amy Vanderbilt of Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette. Her chapter on Funerals seemed to be missing the proper etiquette for funeral alternatives. So I skipped to the Chapter dealing with Entertaining. It was quite enlightening and I think I can modify a few rules to fit the type of funeral…excuse me a “Gathering of Friends” (This is funeral-ese for non-traditional funeral) …that I had in mind.
So what do I really want in terms of a remembrance of my life? I mean who needs a sad funeral, bereavement counselors and the $4789.99 fish head casket? And personally I think the burial plot, funeral tent, marble engraved headstone are way overrated. Who needs all that expense and fuss? Certainly, not me. I’ll be dead.
So instead of the stretch limo for the dead, how about an armada on the Lake? (Besides I would rather ride in a limousine while I’m still alive and can still play with the mini-bar and sunroof.) Why, Uncle Cleve has a nice little bass boat and I am sure he won’t mind going for a little boat ride on a Saturday afternoon. He might even troll for fish while he’s at it. And I am positive that my family would rather spend their Saturday afternoon on the lake than in a syrupy-sweet smelling funeral parlor with pink lights. (Why do they use those pink lights?)
So, with Amy Vanderbilt’s blessing I have arranged my “funeral budget” to include a backyard barbeque, catered of course, and hey if they want a tent, at least get a pretty white one with windows. Amy says a formal receiving line is not always necessary so I think the line should form right before the potato salad and end right after the pecan pie.
Now as for my remains, my husband has agreed to the following:
1. Cardboard Box.
2. Cremation. Much cheaper than burial. I’m claustrophobic,
you know.
3. No urn, just a Tupperware container. Burped tight.
4. Final resting place. The Lake.
My husband will ski around the lake right after the picnic, scattering my ashes from
behind Uncle Cleve’s bass boat.
(I just hope my husband’s knees hold out.)
http://www.icfa.org/consumer.html International Cemetery and Funeral Association