Survival of the Mothers

I’ve begun to question the processes of evolution lately. The law of natural selection according to Darwin is the survival of the fittest. Right? Then how in the world have mothers survived over the course of the last 5000 years, when two of the most debilitating events in a woman’s life occur simultaneously, thus knocking her defenseless for the course of about 5-10 years? How has the female gender protected herself during this vulnerable period of her life?

You are wondering. What are these debilitating events? How do I protect myself? When will they occur? Can I skip these events all together?

Event number one is menopause or pre-menopause, take your pick...(the difference lies just with the severity of the symptoms) and event number two, a woman’s children leaving the home. And there is no real protection against these naturally occurring events. Jessica Tandy, in Fried Green Tomatoes was wrong…a hormone pill does not solve the problem. I suppose timing is the real issue here. A woman’s children are hitting the 18 year mark about the same time she is heading for “the change”. What crummy timing. I guess I should have had my children when I was 12 in order to avoid the whole simultaneous thing. And no. You can’t skip over these events. They are real. They happen and they are coming to you just as surely as death and taxes.

Pre-menopause symptoms, I have found, may actually be confused with a severe case of PMS. Just throw in a few hundred hot flashes…There are mood swings, anger, lots and lots of anger, cramps…lots and lots of cramps, depression and a general malaise that a bouquet of flowers from a well meaning husband does not deter.

Symptoms of a mother with an emptying nest…much the same. Mood swings, anger, depression and a general malaise. And don’t forget the pain. There is pain, and it is real. Questions about her role in her emerging adult child’s life trouble her. Wondering…ok …now what do I do? I’ve birthed him, trained her, taught him, loved her and now I just let go? One moment you know everything about your child and what they have been doing, who they have been doing it with and where they are at all times. That was your JOB. You were the PARENT. Now… you know nothing. They are independent and learning how to cope by themselves.

Well meaning supporters of the weakened mother say, “You should be proud that your son is so independent.” “It is a mark of your good parenting that your daughter is able to cope out there alone…” And these remarks are probably true, but just like the hot flashes that plague her at night, worrying about her children goes on and on.

Back to the question… How have mothers survived these many years of natural selection? First, natural law dictates that she must of course have already reproduced before she can experience the true empty nest, meaning that she has already done her part to propagate the species before she encounters the challenge. And second, and most important, the other female members of the herd circle around the vulnerable mother and protect her from the beasts without and within.

Thank you, my female herd members!