I've been shopping for a family vacation for next year and with fondness remembered our trip on the Maasdam...in 2002

(5 Course Dining Divided by a 3-year old Equals Disaster)


In the course of planning for our family cruise vacation, I neglected to pack the Amy Vanderbilt's New Rules for Etiquette, which I now know to be indispensable. Had I packed it, there would have undoubtedly been many opportunities to consult it and avoid the faux pas that inevitably happened.

But to begin…After thoroughly poring through the cruise-line "dress code" (Chapter 16 in the 3-set volume they sent us) I realized that my poor little family was ill prepared for such an illustrious vacation…therefore I went to work. I shopped literally for three weeks solid prior to our departure, buying all of the required neckties, suits, shirts, dress shoes, etc. And that was just for my 5' 9, thirteen-year old son. You see… he had "out-grown" everything…Ahemmm…Not that he had ever even owned a suit, unless you count that bright green thing he wore when he was 3. Next…the required dresses, hose, shoes, and hair accessories for my 10-year-old daughter. And then of course we just had to buy that cute sailor outfit for the 3-year-old for his fine dining experience. And all of this was just for 2 nights of formal dining during a 7-day cruise extravaganza.

Of course then there was, "Mom, I just have to have two more swimsuits…snorkel gear…my other denim shorts have a hole in them…Mom, I have to have a swimsuit cover up. It says so right here on page 179 of the dress code."

Another trip to Target…and $300.00 later…we think we now have all the "necessities" bought.
"Oops Mom, my suitcase is too small…and HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CARRY ALL THESE DRESSY CLOTHES??" Back to Wal-Mart…3 suitcases, a garment bag, 2 pairs of sunglasses, 2 economy sized bottles of 45 sun block, 4 rolls of film and a prescription of prozac for Mom…and we're through with the packing.

On the first night of Formal Dining, we all showered and donned our cruise- required-dressy-best. I even had a few sequins on…As we stood waiting to be seated in the dining room, we tottered on unaccustomed high heels and pulled nervously at strange neckties…I looked around and beamed proudly at my well-dressed family. We had REALLY ARRIVED. We were ushered to the back of the dining room where a group of highly sought after tables were banked against a wall of windows capturing an idyllic sunset as we sailed east. As elegant an entrance we must have made…Father, mother and three handsome children… I must say our exit was somewhat less dignified.

Five-course dining definitely has its advantages. But the fact that it takes 2 hours to do it in, does not bode well for the family with a toddler. Since our three year old generally dines in the span of time it takes for us to drive from Sonic to home, i.e. 15 minutes…that left approximately 1 hour and 45 minutes of "down time" for him.

We did try to burn some time by delaying the arrival of his Hot Dog Wellington until we were well into the salad course. I whispered to my husband…"They didn't bring any ketchup." My husband quietly waved the steward over. "Ketchup? Please." The steward meticulously poured the Heinz on the side with at little flourish. At that moment I truly wished I had a pocket copy of Amy's Etiquette. I faltered as I tried to decide which knife was the appropriate hot dog cutting utensil. Surely not the bread knife or the dinner knife. I finally decided on the salad knife. Of course by that time all of the 3-year old's utensils were dumped into a big pile in the center of the table as was his water goblet and all other stemmed-ware that was within his radius of reach.

As my entrée of lobster was arriving, the three-year-old, after 15 minutes of playing under the table and singing "Bob the Builder" choruses, decided it was time to go PEE-PEE. Believe you me… my mouth was watering for that drawn butter and lobster, but you CANNOT delay a newly potty-trained child even for 30 seconds. Because his shoes were off, I grabbed the shoes and the child and marched on high heels back to the front of the dining room…However, I inadvertently drug an empty table's table cloth, silverware and fresh flower arrangement about 20 feet as I exited. My little 'Yesssiree Bob', hooted with delight, "Mommy! You made a Boo-Boo!" Help!!! Ms Vanderbilt! Do I set the PEE-PEE squirming child down, bend over, and exposing the run in my panty hose in order to somehow right the denuded table? Decisions. Decisions.

A kind and sympathetic woman in a large lilac gown, took pity on me and grabbed the vase while two stewards whisked the soiled cloth, and silvered condiments off the floor and said, "Eees OK Maam. We get." And I must say, by the time I returned with our little prince, the whole table affair seemed just like a bad dream. Everything was again in fine cruise-line dress. Whew! Only 45 more minutes for this dinner and 6 more nights to go!